Franca's husband.

It was May 11th, 2024. 

Texted this 'babe' for the first time and she took 11hrs to reply. Genuinely didn't notice because memes to post, group chats popping off + other babes to text. 
Apologized for replying late, she had a 'lazy day' so wasn't bothered to check whatsapp (or reply random +234's). I shrugged it off and correctly informed her that I wish(ed) I was in her shoes. 
AI avi, blue check on, "*insert motivational quote here*" as bio; curious - bland- but curious. Good writing, punctuated when necessary but doesn't end sentences with periods. Spells well and is very comfortable using full words and 'big' words. curious. 
Texted for a bit- was good fun, curious, quirky, easily excited about things she's passionate about, good media consumption, cinephile. Lecturer, PhD student, obviously intelligent (maybe I was too harsh with the bio eyebrow-raise?). We spoke for a bit longer then had to go to bed, we bade each other goodnight and retired. 

 
It was May 14th, 2024. 
Me and 'babe' have been talking for 3 days, turns out she has a half day (does this babe really have employment?) and is free later that day; I'm in the office but me and my manager talk and I can take the rest of the day off (she wants me to get married so bad) so we agree to meet (in person for the first time) for ice cream and a movie by 4pm. I'm at the ice cream parlor by 3:55, sat and waiting (perfect gentleman) mainly because we never exchanged pictures so I don't know how easy it will be to identify each other since all I have is an AI avi (of her face to be fair) and my whatsapp avi wasn't a picture of me. It takes a bit of forever but she walks in and I make the face. Walk to meet her halfway and we chat for a bit then go to pick our ice cream flavours. No fireworks, no butterflies. She chooses vanilla. VANILLA. *Sigh. 
Movie's done, we walk for a bit, talking about the movie life, women, life and it's time to go. She hesitates, unready to part company (I understand it and you would too if you've ever hung out with me to be honest.) then she takes me aback "you know what this is right? why are you going along with it?" "I see no downside- I get someone to hangout with, talk to. If it works out, great, else, what do I lose?" "Fair" she says and we part ways. We talk a bit more online then bid goodnight. 

 
It was June 2nd, 2024. 
Well, I'm in love. Or something close. Or jazzed. Any way, I feel very strongly about this 'babe' and we cannot stop talking (I think that's the means of infection.). We have talked every day since the first day she replied me 11hrs late and are still talking (whenever you read this). It's been roughly 2 weeks.  

 
It was June 18th, 2024. 
I know I mentioned 'babe' is a lecturer, did I mention she lectures law? She completed her PhD dissertation a wee prior and is for-all-intents-and-purposes a Dr of Law. I draw up a corny tenancy contract and intend to use it to ask her to be my girlfriend. Something comes up and she has to travel urgently, so I shelve the plans until her return. She returns and I have the 'contract' delivered to her. Real official-like. 

 
It was July 1st, 2024. 
'Babe' asks that we see- this is the first time that she has requested we meet up. Other times have either come up (mostly) or I have initiated (rarely), but this time she requests it. We meet up in a cute, small cafe in GRA, make our orders and (as usual) resume talking. 'Babe' acknowledges receipt of the contract, thought it was "cute but cheesy" but as much as she likes the flow, she'd like to know where the flow is going before she can agree to go with the flow. Buzzkill. 

 
It was July 9th, 2024. 
I just went ring shopping. Am I out of my mind? 

 
It was July 19th, 2024. 
I just asked this 'babe' to marry me. Y'all swear jazz isn't real? 

 
It was December 11th, 2024. 
I just customarily/traditionally married this 'babe'. 

 
It was December 14th, 2024. 
I just legally married this 'babe'. 

 
It is February 14th, 2025. 
I've been married to 'babe' for two months and it's been beyond perfect. I can do this in my sleep. 
 

 

 

 

LIVE AND LET LIVE (Let People Enjoy Things)

When I was creating my Facebook account in my father’s living room on one of the 1-week midterm breaks, with our ethernet Nitel cord that never worked until that day in 2007 (after trying out cartoonnetwork.com and playing the Kids Next Door game), I was supposed to provide personal details to make my ‘wall’ complete and make my profile more attractive to strangers. I was asked a bunch of questions that as a Nigerian I had filled and gotten accustomed to; marital status, religion, sex, etc. When I reached ‘political views’, I remember absent mindedly selecting “liberal” without caring much for the meaning.

 Sometime in college, my close friends (who are almost always my roommates plus few other ‘outsiders’) and I were playing video games, lounging and just chillin’ when one of our other friend came in, obviously pissed and told us, point-blank that Michael (other roommate, name changed for security reasons) was gay. One of the highlights of my entire college experience was how we all took it; we simply went back to what we were doing. Michael who had been a recluse prior to then suddenly became more vocal and interacted with us more while Snitch left shortly after. Truth was we had suspected Michael before then and had whispered it in hushed tones, but beyond that what exactly was our problem with him? He was an exemplary roommate: he was tidy and neat, he was almost never around and when he was, he stuck to himself. We should have a problem with him because someone weaponized his sexual preference when they had a fight?

That was my first interaction with an ‘openly’ gay person.

When I was reading history books earlier this pandemic (I use ‘earlier this pandemic’ to refer to Q1 & early Q2 of 2020), I came across a quote that stuck with me; “…treason is a matter of dates”. Then I watched a movie called The Count of Monte Cristo (recommended) and the line was repeated with such context that the writer must have been clairvoyant. I then watched The Imitation Game where a man was forced between a rock and a hard place, for a simple life choice. And sometimes I wonder if people’s choices (especially when they do not affect other people) are really anyone’s business, but I digress. Back to Tales under the moonlight:

 I wanted to take a bath earlier and wanted a playlist, so I picked up my phone and loaded up my uduX app. Picked Haba (of course), Bad Influence, Away & Something different. Set up the queue and was about to hit play when I realized I just selected 4 different songs by 4 different Nigerian artists for the first time in my life and I was so happy. Then I remembered ‘Betty Butter’ is the No1 song in Nigeria and I almost hissed but stopped myself. --For a very long time I stayed away from Nigerian music and there was a period of a few years when I did not have any Nigerian songs on my phone until Illegal Music II was released (first Nigerian album I ever got) where I found Boogey and I bought my first (2^nd, 3^rd & 4^th) Nigerian albums. Since then Burna Boy, Wande, Maleek Berry and so many others have found their homes in my devices. My initial grouse with Nigerian music/musicians was the inherent lack of (sensible or indeed actual) lyrics. I felt they were taking Nigerians for fools, believing that they could say whatever they want (or nothing) and slap on a catchy hook or chorus and get away with it (also my grouse with pop music in general). It was difficult for me as I grew up listening to ABBA, Bob Marley, West Life et al.—Because I’ve come to learn an important lesson as I grow up in this life; preference is personal. People like Betty Butter and enough people like it enough for it to be number One. Instead of disparaging it as a hollow, void, incoherent rambling of two superstars who know that they could successfully release their farts as an album and be sure of at least a thousand sales, I could just put that energy into supporting what I actually like and leaving alone what I do not.

 Moral of the story; promote what you like, ignore what you don’t.

 Final bible reading before we close;

 Social media is awash this period (as usual) with news, gist, memes and social commentary about the Big Brother show. The show is as divisive as usual and contrasting opinions on the show’s importance, necessity, viability and ‘need’. My father believes the show is a waste of a channel space while my mother could possibly tell you each housemate’s maiden name if you asked. On Saturday, there was a house party so I tuned in primarily to watch Sarz and Omah Lay’s performances. Three people texted me and after I told them I was watching Big Brother Nigeria; they revealed their shock and one went as far reminding me how I castigated the show last year. True.

 Up until late last year / early this pandemic, I did not realize the economic viability of the Big Brother show. I did not consider the jobs created, the funds recycled, the FX it brings, the exposure non-housemates get, the benefits to the entertainment industry, fashion industry and general image. I was just bitter because Gulder Ultimate Search & Who Wants To Be A Millionaire were cancelled but Big Brother survived and blossomed, but I failed to ask myself the existential question: ‘why’? Furthermore, why should the shows I want be kept but others scrapped? If you don’t like Big Brother and you still don’t care about the economic or entertainment benefits, simply tune out of it. The football season comes every year and people who don’t particularly care for Ronaldo or Messi don’t go extinct. People deserve to get entertained without necessarily explaining why or ‘benefitting’ from it.

Let People Enjoy Things.

To quote the philosopher Erigga; “Bad belle na disease, for rating e beat staph”.

I hope I’ve been able to convince and not confuse you that:

i)                    Leave people alone.

ii)                   Your life is exactly that.

iii)                 You shouldn’t judge people by your standards.

iv)                 Mind your business.

v)                   Promote what you like, ignore what you don’t.

vi)                 DO NOT tell people how to live their lives.

vii)               Everyone has preferences; they are personal, not objective.

Follow these 7 rules and you may not get beaten up.

Since I read “Culture is just peer pressure from dead people”, I haven’t been able to think of it as anything else. Make your own decisions, emancipate yourself from mental slavery, break your own chains. Who you are should be complex, not a stereotype.

Shalom!

TIME

‘TIME’

 “Time is linear”, “a straight line is the shortest distance between two points”, “the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”, “a tax is a fine for doing good and a fine is a tax for doing bad” etc. were things I was taught in primary school (Isn’t it funny how most of the things we know now are based on the things we learnt early in life and apparent dumbness can be traced straight to poor early education?) but I digress.

 The human mind has been taught to perceive time as linear, as the period between tasks we are performing and the next task to be performed. Think of this; if I were to ask you the time now, you’d reply with whatever your clock says, but subconsciously, your mind is saying “it’s 2pm already? But I woke up by 11!” or “wow, it’s still 4pm; 5 more hours till Nepa will be useful”. We cannot fathom time as a phenomenon on its own, but must be attached to something else, to understand its form.

 The plan for a ‘fulfilled’ life is being born, growing up, attending school, graduating from nursery, primary, secondary and tertiary institutions, getting a job, getting married and having children; all these preferably in the first 30years of life. Continue working to be able to afford a (better quality of) life for your own offspring, retire, grow old and die, having fulfilled The Procreation Decree.

  But is that all there is to time? I have friends who have been told since before they could understand the English language that they are reincarnates of their grandparents; I myself have been regularly informed by my mother that 3months before I was born, her late father appeared to her in a dream and told her he was coming back (which prompted my nickname “Dad(dy)”).

 I have a few issues with time; I hate the “time moves fast when you’re enjoying yourself” and “time crawls in Math class” paradigm & please has anyone solved the ‘If you go back in time and kill your grandfather, you might or might not exist’ paradox? The hen and the egg?

 My biggest problem with time, however is how time can be a damp blanket over a particular period; how you might only remember a (‘good’, ‘okay’ or ‘great’) 3 year relationship as a bad one because it ended in cheating, how it convinces you that high school was a good time because you graduated, how your childhood was ‘alright’, because you’re here and ‘normal’ (not knowing you need years of trauma counseling). How you can look back in your life and pinpoint certain periods and be happy/sad/angry or laugh, but forget that there were things that led to it or things that occurred after it.

 That’s why I’ve chosen to take every moment for what it is and what it brings and not view them via the scope of time, but view each as a piece of a whole. Since then, this Covid-19 situation has been more than just tiring to me, it’s been infuriating, immensely exciting, hilariously mundane, mind-numbingly boring, remarkably energizing but, as a whole, I can’t wait for it to leave so I can see what time has to offer next.

 Time isn’t the 12 months that makes up a year or the 4/5 years of your Uni education. Time is the 365,000,000 moments that make up 1 week out of that year and every single moment of your 4/5-year Uni adventure.

 Time is doing what it must (move forward), we can only do our best to trudge along right beside it.

Tomorrow will make it 5 months since my grandma has been buried. Lost her a few days to Christmas 2019 and since then, well, the world hasn’t been the same. But instead of a holistic remembrance of her, I’ve begun to take it days and moments at a time. Willingly going to her house to eat one of her concoctions (Indomie and bread was a special dish), avoiding her because she wants to give one of her lectures on how I’m to ‘big-brother’ my siblings and cousin since I’m the first son of the family, gisting with her and teasing that I’ll marry a northerner, caring for her whenever health problems arise and her promising me she won’t die until she’s carried my child (women lie unprovoked), her complaining about my father to me, etc.

Our lives are a collection of fleeting moments and time is the only lens through which we can view them.

 Live IN the moment, Carpe diem!

'Average'.

‘Average’.

 I was conveniently born at a time after my parents played (and won) The Hunger Games. We hadn’t ‘blown’, but we had enough that I got to attend a ‘good’ school. I excelled in primary school (not gonna count nursery school, cause how can you excel if someone else changes you?), I was a straight A pupil, represented the school in competitions, won my fair share of 4^th-placed medals in sports, but my big break came one day when we had a drama hosted at Obi Wali Cultural Center, Port-Harcourt.

 I don’t have much of a memory about it but I must have done very well because the next Monday, the school had representatives from an advertising company come calling and requesting for me to be involved in two adverts; one for MTN and one for Ribena. I don’t remember much of the Ribena advert, but if you saw an MTN advert in the early 2000’s where a young big-headed boy with large glistening eyes was on a phone call with his papa (Mr. Jimoh- a teacher of mine and our drama leader) in the village, it was yours truly.

 The two paragraphs above are to show how I was exceptional; both academically and extra-curricular wise. After then, I went to Secondary school and fell in love with literature (coincidentally, elder sister was in a theatre arts group in boarding house) but retained my love for drama. My academics however, took a dive; there were by no means poor, but instead of straight A’s, I became a 1^st-3^rd student.

 This post isn’t to talk about exceptionalism or greatness, but to talk about ‘averageness’:

Before Covid-19 shocked the world, a lot of us football enthusiasts were used to the images and sounds of racially provocative gestures targeted at black people and the news of Balotelli suffering racist chants went viral. A few weeks ago, I came across a video of Cuban doctors being flown into Italy to help them combat the pandemic and all over, they were being cheered and welcomed- these people, same color as Balotelli, but different receptions.

 On Twitter recently, there’s been a lot of brouhaha about how health sectors in developed countries need more hands and how undeveloped countries believe their best are being poached. A law maker in the US was calling for the number of green cards available for professionals, especially in the health sector be increased, even if it means reducing the numbers of other criteria.

 While I have no problems with the intent, I have qualms with the underlying subliminal message we are passing; is it only the professionals who deserve the green cards? Is it only the exceptional(s) who deserve to be cheered? Do I; a young, ordinary man, trying to make my way in this cold world, in pursuit of greener pastures and success, not deserve a green card? I don’t even want their adulation; I just want to be able to go about my business without being called King-Kong.

 I have a grouse with fake-posturing; 90% of the population cannot be great, the majority cannot be special, not everyone can be awesome at whatever they do. Until we as a people unite and admit to ourselves that being ‘average’ is good enough, we will continue living a lie. Children derided for not exceling, adults punished for not competing, businesses taken-over or closed for not being the best. If everyone is supposed to be the best at everything, then who are they supposed to be better than?

 These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. Stay safe people, stay home.

Need to go have a talk with my dad about that MTN and Ribena advert payment.

|| The original post ended above; the following is as a result of complete 8hrs sleep||

 “Average is good enough” ~ Okekayi Woko, 2020.

 One reason why I personally never rated The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as high as I rated 30 Rock or Parks and Recreation or The Office is because Fresh Prince had an almost ‘forced’ feel when it came to morals. Some episodes just seemed like the result of a brainstorming virtue-signaling production cast. The other shows never seemed like they had a moral story or they had lofty expectations to fill. They just told their stories, with some laughs, a little romance and tons of drama.

 We as people tend to prefer the greats and there’s nothing wrong with that, but expecting greatness from everyone is absurd.

“Average is good enough”.

 One more story and we say The Lord’s Prayer:                              

 When I was in SS1, all those years ago, my school took me for a math/science competition (for SS2 & SS3) where I came 7^th in Rivers State and 18^th in Nigeria. The results were announced before we left the venue, and I was downtrodden. A few seniors came in the top 10 and two people came in the top 5’s. We got back to school (and naturally the news had gotten there already). We were heralded and I personally felt so good. My mum called that evening and I could feel her beaming from across the phone. One of my best memories till date.

 “Average is good enough”.

 Our Father…….